You Keep Slipping Away...

I cried for you tonight. You'll probably never know it...you probably don't even care. You're probably too far gone by now. I miss you. So much. And your life right now scares the shit out of me. There are a million things I should be worrying about right now, and the only thing I can think about is you. Are you safe? Are you ok? Did you eat today? When was the last time you slept? Why do you do this to yourself? I know you don't want to live very long because you're scared of growing old, but please. Please. Please. Please. Please. PLEASE. Stop before it's too late. All I want in the world right now is the ability to save you from yourself. I know you're mad at me, and you'll probably never forgive or trust me again. I'm sorry. All I wanted was to help you, but you have to help yourself. And you don't want that. Even though you won't say a word to me right now, I hope you know I'll ALWAYS be here for you. I know I've already posted about this, but I can't stress this enough. It kills me to see you go farther and farther down this path. Please get help and come back to me. You ARE worth it. And you're better than this. I love you. I hope you know that. No matter what, I love you, but you need to love yourself.

Dear Mr. Right

To my future husband:
Hi.
    Let me start with, God help you for thinking it might be a good idea to spend your life with me. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Now I don't really know who you are, or how long it will be until I meet you, but let me just say I'm so excited to fall in love with you. I know we'll have many years of harmony and making each other laugh. It's amazing to me that you're walking around....well....it's midnight....so you're probably sleeping or up late in your room like me, but that's beside the point. The idea is that you're on this earth right now and I have literally no idea who you are. Are you on the other side of the world? Will I meet you next year in college? Do I already know you? Have I passed you in a store or have we been in the same building before completely unaware of each other? Are you that "idiot" I got mad at the other day for driving too slow? It's almost eerie. I could have looked you right in the face already, without even knowing that I'm going to spend the rest of my adult life with you.
    There are probably a few things you should know, though. Obviously if you're opting to share a life with me, you more than likely already know these things. However, I AM only eighteen right now, so I'm bound to change a LOT by the time we're married, so I guess these are more things about me and my thoughts when I was eighteen....We'll see how much all this changes.
                                                
    Right now, I'm kind of in a "who needs men?" phase....so if you're my next boyfriend, you must be pretty fantastic to pull me out of this. I know it sounds unreasonable, but I've dealt with so much (no doubt you'll hear about it) in the past year, that I really am in no mood to settle for anything less than a regular Disney prince. Oh, yeah. I'm five years old at heart. There will be Disney movies and coloring books present at all times. With or without kids (you can bet on having kids, by the way....at least 3). I can be pretty high maintence. I know...probably not something I should share, but it's true. I like a lot of "us" time.
    I don't really know what to expect in our relationship, but I know what I would like it to be. Since March of this year I've been OBSESSED with this Youtube family called, "The Shaytards". Everything I've ever wanted in a marriage and family is present in their daily vlogs. They seem perfect to me, but obviously, they aren't. No one is. However, they seem happy 98% of the time. I would love to have that. I believe there should be a "no going to bed angry" rule. Anyone I've ever gotten in a fight with will tell you that I don't like to just drop issues or "forget about it". I want to fix whatever the problem is.
    I also believe that every weekend or day off should begin with pancakes. I don't know why, it's just a thing I have in my head. Along with this, I'm a firm believer in the idea that a bubblebath with scented candles can melt away any stress....so I'll be in the bathtub a lot. With candles. Oh! That reminds me. Perfect gift for Sierra: scented candles......obviously. :P Not that I expect a lot of gifts. Honestly, I'd rather go DO things.
    Which brings me to my next thought. I'd love for us to travel and have adventures together. My mom has been skydiving twice, but so far, has been hesitant to take me. Of course, now that's something I'm dying to do. Wanna jump out of a plane with me?
    I'm sure you'll probably already know this, but I'm very energetic and my brain moves faster than my mouth sometimes. I can be all over the place and forget things...so be patient with me when I ask you who your favorite band/musician is for the 34th time.
    Friends and family are also very important to me. Not just mine, yours. It will eat me up if your friends or family don't like me and I will do whatever I can to try to appeal to them. It's just how I am...for now, anyway. I believe that when you date someone, you're dating their whole entorage (probably didn't spell that right...) too.
    I realize I'm talking about myself a lot here, but that's because I can't talk about you, because I don't know you yet! I'm so impatient to meet you, though. I know we'll have lots of great memories and very happy lives. I look forward to every future memory we're going to make. Until then, whoever you are.

In A Year & A Year To Come

  It's really amazing how much can change over a year. If you had told me this time last year that over the span of a few months my best friends would be the most distant people from me, my then boyfriend would hate me, I'd have people almost constantly in and out of my life, and I'd lose my job and not find one until almost a year later.....I would have looked at you like you had sprouted another head.
  But it's true. Over the span of a year I've broken up with a boyfriend who I thought I'd be with forever (oh, young love :P), Lost my two best friends to their new friends...or...in some cases, "friends", gained many new friends (it hasn't all been bad), switched jobs, lost and gained weight, had two more romantic interests, had some other close people slip out of my life, but also have some new dear friends enter. I don't think we really realize just how much can change in a year. Or maybe it's just me, personally. I never expected this much change. I'm not the same person I was last year. I'm stronger, braver, more secure with myself, and I think I've actually grown up a lot. I realize that this nowhere near compares to what waits in my college years ahead, but I'm considering this the appetizer.

  This year, I've learned to stand up for myself. I've learned to let things, as well as people, go. I've learned that you can't change people who don't want to change. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. While I have lost people, I've gained so many fantastic ones. My only complaint is that a lot of them are so far away. When I say "gain" people, I don't mean just new people. There are people that have been around most of my life that I'm..."rediscovering", I guess. People who have been there, but I never really knew. I think these are the most fun people to befriend, because they will always surprise you. You know you've made judgements or assumptions over the years about these people, and then you get to laugh either to, or at yourself when you realize whether or not you were right. I really hope to get to know these people even more with the new year.

  Speaking of the rapidly approaching new year, aren't there resolutions to be made? Obviously everyone makes these resolutions, but never really stick to them. Well, this year is going to be different! Progress trackers usually help a lot with these kinds of things. So here are my new years resolutions:
1. Get back down to a healthy weight (already working on this one)
2. Be more active (no more long days on the internet!)
3. (this one might just be until the next school year) Save, save, save!! (college ain't cheap)
4. Develop a strong backbone (no more door mats!)
5. Blog more often :P
6. Become stronger religiously (I've been a lazy Christian....time to fix that)
7. Put more effort into grades (I'm also a lazy student...oops)

  I'll find some way to keep track of how I'm doing on these 7 things, some will be easier than others. And I hope you'll make a list that's meaningful to yourself too and find a way to stick to it. This isn't just picking at what's wrong with ourselves. It's improving ourselves in a way that makes US happy. And with that, I bid you good night.

Silent Screams

Dear friend,
What's happened to you? What has she done to you?
Can't you see what she's still doing? She may make you smile, but it's only temporary.
She'll come around one day with all her friends to kill you in the end. They were all demons to begin with. Can't you see how terrified I am for you? That I worry about you every day?
That it breaks my heart every time she's in town?
Dear friend, please get rid of her and take care of yourself again.
I'm on my knees. Begging you. Please.
Please. Save yourself.
I've tried so hard to  save you, to make you listen.
But now I see that it's up to you to realize the danger you put yourself in.
It's up to you to slay the demons that hold you so tightly with their charming smiles and false promises of happiness. Please break free before they possess you completely.
I miss you. Please open your eyes.
Please.
Save yourself or let me help you.

All my love,
Sierra

PS,
It's not just me, we're all worried.
And the ones who aren't?
They're not your real friends. They won't be there when the world come crashing down.
But I will. Always.

East Snob

            It truly amazes me how ungrateful kids can be. I hear kids complaining all the time about where they live and how much our school is a prison and sucks. Honestly, every time I hear someone complain, I lose a little respect for them. Not to brag, but we live in an area with a considerably high standard of living. Our school is one of the best in the nation, and kids here are spoiled with the newest gadgets. If you’re living in an area where you can total your car FOUR times and your parents still replace it, you have no room to complain. So, naturally, it boils my blood when I hear someone say “God, I can’t wait to get out of here. Walton/East Cobb sucks.” I think to myself “Ok, buddy. Let’s take you up to North Cobb and see how much better you like it in a school that requires metal detectors at the front entrance.”

"What do you mean I'm
only getting a LEXUS!?"
-Caption courtesy of Nick Citrone

            It makes me even crazier when kids get angry that they got in trouble for breaking the rules or the law. I’ve heard people say they’re going to court for “stupid shit”. Meaning, they broke the law and got caught. Newsflash. You’re not above the law. If you get caught doing something illegal, there ARE going to be consequences. Just follow the rules, and you’re fine. Don’t get mad because you’re in trouble for doing something you knew you weren’t supposed to be doing in the first place. That was your stupid choice. Now you get to live with it.

            Others just complain about how the people are terrible. Guess what. There are going to be people like this no matter where you go. Appreciate where you are now, because I guarantee, you won’t be living anywhere this nice for a while once you move out. If your biggest problem is that a few people around you are less than desirable, you’re doing pretty damn well. So stop complaining and appreciate all you have.
That’s all I’ve got to say about that.