Shoddy, Emotional Poetry Early in the Morning

It actually quite kills me to leave ends untied
Because it's a risky business, leaving your front door
You never know if you'll come back for sure
What if that IS the last "Goodbye"

It sounds awfully dramatic but it's true
Tomorrow doesn't come with a guarantee
So just in case this is the last you hear from me,
I wanna say "I love you"

There's no doubt, we disagree
And our last parting was not done sweetly
In fact I feel a little disowned completely
But, Mama, do you love me?

The sweetest thing a boy ever said to me…

Him: “What are you thinking about?”

Me: “What?”

Him: “You bite your lip when you’re thinking about something.”

This, to me, was more powerful than him saying “I love you” or giving some huge monologue about what he loved about me. This in itself showed me he loved me because it shows that he cared enough to notice. Even though we are no longer in that state of being madly in love or even talk anymore; this memory still makes me smile. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. You can say “I love you” all you want or buy and say pretty things, but these things don’t begin to measure up to simply taking the time to notice tiny details. It shows that you pay attention and you genuinely care to notice the other person’s habits. “I love you” is so overused that I really think we need a new way to say it. People abuse it; say it without meaning it or really knowing what they’re talking about. I've been guilty of this multiple times. It doesn't matter how many times you say it. You can say "I love you" a thousand times, that doesn't make it true. When you start noticing the little things and simply remembering them….to me, that’s better than “I love you”. I’ll take that over “I love you” any day.

Little Monkey

Little Monkey with your eyes so big

Your tiny toes and your tiny hands

I kiss your little monkey cheeks

And smile as your little monkey lips

Pucker up in search of food

Little Monkey with your eyes so big

I love the way you look at me

With such wonder and excitement

There’s so much light behind your eyes

I can’t wait for you to see the world

Little Monkey with your eyes so big

There is so much that you don’t know

How the wind blows or why the sky is blue

Or how to lift your little monkey head

It will be my job and pleasure to teach you

Little Monkey with your eyes so big

You don’t know how much I love you

An Excellent Adventure

About a week ago, I decided to start sitting down each day and writing for at least an hour, using a picture I previously found as my inspiration. Today, I wrote for four hours. This is the result of those four hours.

Mei-Mei sat on her window sill looking out at the bamboo forest on the hills near her house. Something felt different about it today. She thought she saw smoke coming from the top of the hills, but she was certain it was her imagination.

“What should we do today, Fen?” the young girl asked her even younger brother. He scratched his head.

“Let’s go see Bao the panda bear!” he said excitedly. “We can go on an adventure in the forest!” Mei-Mei glanced out the window again; it was a beautiful day outside, perfect weather for an excellent adventure with her two favorite partners.

“Okay, let’s go!” she exclaimed grabbing her shoes. The two siblings ran out the door and towards the forest. Deep in the forest, they found their friend’s bamboo hut.

“Bao!” Mei-Mei called knocking on the door. Fen stood on his toes to peep through the window.

“Bao?” he said as he tapped on the window.

“Fen!” Mei-Mei snapped “Get down! It’s rude to look in people’s windows!”

“It’s quite alright!” a familiar voice said as the door to the hut opened. Mei-Mei beamed, looking up at her old friend.

“Good morning, Bao!” she said as she hugged his big round belly. His soft fur was warm against her face.

“Hi, Bao!” Fen said as he too gave Bao a hug, only coming up to his leg.

“Good morning, children!” Bao chuckled. “Come in, come in! You’re just in time for some jasmine tea.”

The three friends sat around a small table, the sweet smell of jasmine hung in the air.

“Bao,” Mei-Mei said as she sipped her tea. “Did you see any smoke coming from the hills earlier this morning?” Bao scratched at the fur on his belly while munching on a bamboo stick.

“Why, yes. I believe I did. Strange isn’t it?” Bao said looking out the window.

“I thought no one lived in the hills anymore?” Fen inquired.

“Have you two ever heard the story of the old woman who lives down the forest’s haunted path?” Bao asked. Mei-Mei and Fen both shook their heads, so Bao continued.

“It is said that there’s a lonely old woman living at the top of the hill. She longs for visitors so every once in a while; she’ll bake some special desserts in hopes that someone will brave the paths and visit her.”

“Why doesn’t she just come down to the village?” Mei-Mei asked.

“She’s too old to make the journey anymore,” Bao explained. “She can’t defend herself on the haunted paths.”

“How sad,” Mei-Mei said. “That poor woman, up there all alone.” She got up and looked out to the hills where she had seen the smoke.

“Well it’s only a legend.” Bao said as he slurped down the rest of his tea. “Now what is it we’re doing today?” he asked.

“We want to go on an adventure in the forest!” Fen told him. Bao and Fen continued to chat excitedly about today’s adventure as Mei-Mei gazed out the window.

“Come on, Mei-Mei!” Fen called after a while. “It’s time to go!” Mei-Mei tore herself away from the window and followed her companions outside. The trio hiked deep into the forest, telling jokes and fighting off imaginary dragons. Fen had found a fallen branch and used it as a sword.

“Take that! And that! And that!” he shouted, stabbing the air. Bao picked up a bamboo rod and challenged Fen to a duel. The clanging of the wooden rods echoed through the forest as they battled. Suddenly, they came across an old pathway. It didn’t look like anyone had been down it in years.

“W-We should head back.” Fen said nervously. “I don’t like the way that path looks.”

“Yeah,” Bao nodded. “Plus, it’s getting close to lunchtime!” his large stomach growled in agreement. The two turned around and started to head back, but Mei-Mei hesitated.

“Isn’t this the path up to the top of the hill?” she asked.

“Yes,” Bao said. “Which means it’s haunted. Which means it’s all the more reason to turn around.”

“What about the old woman at the top of the hill?” Mei-Mei asked.

“It’s only a legend!” Bao protested.

“But what if it’s not?” Mei-Mei challenged.

“Come on, Mei-Mei. We’re hungry!” Fen whined.

“It’ll take longer to go all the way back than to go just a little further up to the top of the hill. Don’t you want to see if the legend is true?” Mei-Mei said. “And if it is true, there will be special desserts waiting for us, remember?” Bao and Fen looked at each other.

“But….it’s haunted…” Fen said quietly.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to go on an adventure today?” Mei-Mei asked. “This is a real adventure! You’re not scared, are you?”

“I’m not scared of anything!” Fen protested.

“Me either!” said Bao.

“Then let’s go!” Mei-Mei exclaimed, already headed down the path. Bao and Fen followed close behind her, their “swords” at the ready. As the trio went down the path, it got darker and darker. There was a rustling in the distance that caused Fen to jump and grab onto Mei-Mei’s hand.

“It’s alright, Fen.” Mei-Mei said soothingly as she offered her hand to Bao. “It’ll be less scary if we all hold hands.”  Bao took her hand in his great big paw and they continued down the path. The rustlings continued, but Mei-Mei was sure it was just the breeze coming through the forest and ruffling the fallen leaves. They had almost made it to the top, and Mei-Mei could see the end of the trail up ahead when the rustling sound was right behind them. The three turned around and were met by two crystal blue eyes. A white cat was perched on a branch at eye level; it sprung from the branch and rubbed against Mei-Mei’s legs.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “What a lovely creature! Has it been you following us the whole time?” She bent down to pet the cat’s small head, but it ran off again before she could touch it. Fen, Bao, and Mei-Mei watched as the little white animal bounded down to the end of the path and followed it. When they came to the end of the path, they found themselves on a farm with a small cottage just on the other side of it. Sure enough, there was smoke rising from the cottage’s chimney.

“We made it!” Mei-Mei giggled. “Come on. Let’s go knock on the door!”

“Mei-Mei, wait! What if she’s a demon?” Fen warned.

“Or a monster!” Bao added. Mei-Mei was already out of earshot and nearly on the front steps of the cottage. Fen and Bao hurried to catch up to her.

“Mei-Mei!” Fen called. “Wait! It could be dangerous!”

“Don’t be silly.” Mei-Mei said as she knocked on the cottage door. The door opened and a frail old woman stood in the door frame. When she saw Mei-Mei her eyes lit up and brimmed with tears.

“Oh, I’ve waited years for this day to come!” she said as she beamed at Mei-Mei. “Come in, dear! Come in! I’ve just taken a fresh batch of sweets out of the oven!” Mei-Mei followed the woman inside, quickly followed by Fen and Bao. The cottage smelled of vanilla and cherry blossoms. There were pictures all-around of distant lands and smiling people. The old woman had shelves filled with books and other knick-knacks. Her kitchen was warm and inviting and the table was set for four. In the table’s center there was a basket full of tables. The old woman pulled another tray of cookies from the oven and noticed Fen and Bao.

“Oh, there are two of you!” she said delighted. “And a panda!”

“This is my younger brother, Fen and our friend Bao,” Mei-Mei said. “My name is Mei-Mei.” The old woman smiled.

“My name is Jia-Li,” she said. “I’m so happy you’ve come to see me. I can’t remember the last time I had visitors. Please, make yourselves at home!” Fen, Bao, and Mei-Mei sat down at the table as Jia-Li carefully placed the fresh cookies in the already overflowing basket of sweets.

“I’ll be right back with some tea!” Jia-Li said clapping her hands. I’ve got some fresh herbs in my garden I can use.”  After she was gone, Mei-Mei turned to her friends and smiled.

“See? I told you there was nothing to worry about!” she told them. “And look how happy we’ve made her.”

“I don’t know,” Bao said. “Something doesn’t seem right.”

“You’re just being paranoid.” Mei-Mei said, shaking her head at him. Jia-Li returned with a beautiful tea set.

“Here you are, dears,” she practically sung as she poured the tea. “Help yourselves to whatever you’d like! You must be famished from the journey up here.”

“You have a lovely cottage,” Mei-Mei said as she took two cookies from the basket. “Have you been to all of the places in your pictures?” Jia-Li’s eyes lit up even more.

“Yes, I have!” she said. “I used to be quite the adventurer when I was younger. I’d go all over the world trading precious objects.” Jia-Li went on to tell them about her travels and all the wonderful things she saw. She told them about the ruins in Belize, the pyramids in Egypt, and the hot springs in Iceland. Mei-Mei asked lots of questions that Jia-Li was only too happy to answer.

“Who are all these people in your pictures?” Fen asked as he looked around the room.

“Friends, family, visitors. People used to come by here all the time!” Jia-Li said. There was a bit of sadness in her eyes as she said it.

“Why’d they stop?” Bao asked.

“There was a landslide where the main path up to my farm was. The only other way is through the bamboo forest, but no one wants to come through that way, and I’ve grown too weak to make the trip down to the village.” Jia-Li said sadly.

“Because it’s haunted?” suggested Fen. Jia-Li threw her head back and laughed.

“Yes! But those are only myths,” she said. “The scariest thing about that path is my cat, Mi. However, she makes such a ruckus in the leaves that it scares people off.”

“It didn’t scare us!” Mei-Mei said proudly.

“Well…it scared me a little.” Fen admitted.

“And me!” Bao chimed in.

“But now that we know the path isn’t haunted, we can come visit you all the time!” Mei-Mei added. Jia-Lin’s smile widened.

“Oh, I would love that.” She said. “It’s been so lonely up here. I have the animals to keep me company, but it’s not the same.” Mei-Mei took the old woman’s hand.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.”

“Oh, I know I don’t.” Jia-Li said with a large grin on her face. “Thank goodness for your bravery or I might have had to have tea alone again. But look at the time! It’ll be getting dark soon! You three should be headed home before it gets too dark. Let me make you a basket to bring home.” Jia-Li stood up, packing up the leftover sweets into the basket on the table. She walked them out to the edge of the farm where the long path back home began. Before they left, Mei-Mei gave her new friend a big hug.

“Jia-Li,” she said “Would it be alright if I came back for tea tomorrow? I’d love to hear more about your adventures.”

“Of course, dear!” Jia-Li said. “I’ll even show you how to ride a horse on one of my mares.” Mei-Mei beamed.

“I can’t wait!” she said. On the way back to the village Mei-Mei looked at Bao and smiled.

“What?” he asked.

“See? Nothing to worry about.” She told him.

“I suppose. She seemed sweet enough. Something just felt strange, though, as if there was something she was leaving out of her stories.” Bao said. They were coming to the end of the not-so-haunted trail when a strange mist came out of nowhere. A figure began to form in front of them. The three stood frozen in their tracks as a man materialized. Mei-Mei immediately recognized him from one of Jia-Li’s pictures.

“W-Who are you?” she asked trying to hide the fear in her voice.

“I am Baojia.” He answered.

“Do you know Jia-Li?” Baojia nodded.

“She was my beloved wife. We had many adventures together until I grew sick and could no longer travel. She took care of me until my passing many years ago.” He said.

“So you’re a spirit?” Fen asked. Baojia nodded again.

“What can we do for you, sir?” asked Bao.

“Take care of my wife,” he said. “She is growing older and has had no one to keep her company for a long time. I fear she may have no one to take care of her when she can no longer care for herself.”

“I promise we will,” Mei-Mei said. “Until the day she passes.” Baojia smiled.

“Thank you.” He said. As soon as he said it, the mist lifted and he was gone.

“I knew it was haunted.” Fen mumbled. Mei-Mei and Bao laughed as they continued walking the rest of the way home. Bao, Fen, and Mei-Mei kept their promise to Baojia. Every day they visited Jia-Li for tea and to help her with chores around the farm. Mei-Mei learned how to ride a horse, milk a goat, and make cheese and butter. Fen learned how to properly harvest fruits and vegetables, chop wood, and give the animals a bath without getting kicked. Jia-Li taught Bao how to make all of the delicious sweets and even her secret family recipes. Five years had gone by when Fen, Mei-Mei, and Bao had learned to properly run the farm. It was a winter evening, and the four friends were sitting around Jia-Li’s fireplace telling stories when Jia-Li asked, “Would you dears stay the night with me tonight? There’s been a howling in the wind recently and I always wake up so frightened. I’d feel much better if I knew you were all here with me.”

“Of course, Jia-Li!” Mei-Mei said.

“I’ll be there with a cup of tea if you wake up.” Bao said with a smile on his face. Fen took the old woman’s hand and squeezed it.

“We’ll be here.” He said.

“Thank you, dears. I’ll make us a lovely breakfast in the morning.” Jia-Li said with a smile on her face. That night, the sweet old woman slept soundly with her three friends at her bedside. Each of them took turns sitting up next to her, holding her hand throughout the night. Mei-Mei had dozed off for a bit on her turn before she was awoken by an icy chill. She blinked as the rising sun shone through the curtains and looked down at her elderly companion. The frail old woman was smiling in her sleep. Mei-Mei beamed at her with admiration and placed a kiss on her cheek, then froze. Jia-Li’s skin was cold as ice. Mei-Mei looked a little harder in the dim light and noticed the old woman wasn’t breathing either. When she realized there was no pulse in Jia-Li’s wrist, tears stung Mei-Mei’s eyes.

“Fen. Bao. Wake up.” She said. The boy and the panda only had to take one look at Mei-Mei to know what had happened and tears began to flood their faces.

“Come on,” Bao choked through tears as he lifted the tiny woman’s body from the bed.

“We need to give her a proper burial.” Fen fashioned a beautiful coffin out of the bamboo from the forest. Bao dug Jia-Li’s grave next to her husband’s under the single cherry tree behind the cottage. Mei-Mei adorned her friend’s body with wild flowers tough enough to beat the cold. They each took turns sharing their favorite memories with Jia-Li and telling their favorite things about her.

“The way her smile warmed you up better than hot tea.” Fen said.

“Her laugh was like the sweetest music.” Bao choked behind his paws. He was trying to make the tears stop, but it was no use.

“The sparkle in her eyes the first time she saw me,” Mei-Mei whispered. “It was like she already loved me.”

The three friends gave their final goodbyes and turned to go in the cottage, but the sight before them kept them frozen where they stood. There, in front of them, was Jia-Li and Baojia. They were holding hands and beaming at the trio.

“Dears,” Jia-Li said smiling her warm smile. “Do not weep for me. I have had a good life and the three of you have given me a precious end to it. My will is in my pillowcase. I’ve left everything to you, my dears. I know you will take good care of this place.” She placed a kiss on each of their heads.

“We will, Jia-Li.” Fen said.

“We promise.” Bao added. Mei-Mei couldn’t speak; she only nodded as tears rolled down her face. Baojia simply smiled at them, and nodded. He took Jia-Li’s hand and the two spirits walked into the forest, down the path that first brought Fen, Bao, and Mei-Mei to Jia-Li those five years ago.

This was today's photo inspiration! :]

You can find the rest of my daily writings here!

Weak Men Can't Jump

  I was walking to my dorm the other day, and as I was walking I noticed something rather disturbing. There was a guy wearing a Nike shirt that said "Weak men can't jump." then right behind him I noticed a man in a wheelchair. 
  This actually broke my heart. Why do we live in a society in which we have to put down those less competent than us in order to feel good about ourselves? Why do we have to pick on the weaker ones at all? Shouldn't those bigger and stronger look after those who simply cant because they were born weaker? And why is it considered "normal" to desire some sort of superiority? Why is that something we need? Now, I'm excluding the business ladder or superiority of government, but in society it's not a good thing. We say "All men are created equal", but I don't think anyone actually means it. 
  Consider the only national issue that tore the country apart. It was the debate over whether or not one race was superior to the rest and if having ownership of another person was okay. Even today it's still an issue. We still hear all the time about racists and prejudice. Remember Trayvon Martin? His death was purely an act of racism. Perhaps race equality isn't as big of an issue today as it was before, and it's certainly not the only equality issue going on, but we definitely do not treat each other as equals. 
  We rip each other apart verbally, emotionally, and physically to try to prove that we're on top or that we're worth something. To gain some form of dominance over someone. Why? Why is it that important? Could we ever really be happy to truly act as if we're all equals? Is it possible for us to actually mean it when we say "We're all equal"? 
  Sadly, there is always that population of people whose egos would never let this happen. There will always be that handful of people who absolutely must feel like they are above the rest of the population. There will always be those who sport the "Weak men can't jump" wear, and the men in wheelchairs.

And it breaks my heart.

Fighting the Stress Monster

  I know there are a lot of you out there who are feeling extremely stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, scared, defeated, etc. so I just wanted to take a minute to remind you that you CAN do this. You are SO much stronger than you think you are and you can handle anything. Life is a rollercoaster. It goes up, down, and in loops. Even when things seem like they’ll never pick up, keep looking forward. Keep fighting. The low points WILL end eventually. 

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

  Hang on. Hang on with all of your might, and until your knuckles turn white. You are strong. You are mighty. You are glorious. And I love you. Yes, you, the person reading this right now, and I want you to push yourself to your highest limits because I know you are powerful enough to get through whatever it is that has you strung out. Be it school, work, people, or even yourself, you have the strength to get past it all and things will eventually get better.

“No beating yourself up. That’s not allowed. Be patient with yourself. It took you years to form the bad habits of thought that you no longer want. It will take a little time to form new and better ones. But I promise you this: Even a slight move in this direction will bring you some peace. The more effort you apply to it, the faster you’ll find your bliss, but you’ll experience rewards immediately.” 
― Holly Mosier

  Make a move in the right direction. Don’t just wait for the hard times to pass, work through them. Focus on one thing at a time, and don’t borrow troubles from tomorrow. Keep your mind set on what you are doing today. Worry about those other things later. In fact, write down all your worries and then think about them later. By writing them down, you trick yourself into thinking you’re still stressing over whatever it is, but you’re actually forgetting about it. 

  Don’t just stop there, though. Take time to meditate. Focusing solely on breathing and breathing deeply, even just for five minutes, does wonders for your body. It massages your muscles, gives you clarity, as well as relieves emotional and physical pain among dozens of other benefits. So take the time to find a quiet sanctuary away from other people, close your eyes and breathe. 

  There’s also the option to take a nap. Almost everyone I know doesn’t get enough sleep. It seems like naptime should be a nationally recognized daily routine. A 20 minute nap in the afternoon can refresh your mind and body even after a poor night’s sleep. You’ll want to avoid napping for hours, though. Your body goes through sleep cycles and one cycle is generally 20 minutes. It’s more affective to wake up at the end of a cycle than in the middle of one. Waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle will leave you feeling groggy and more tired than you were before. Save the long hours of sleep for nighttime.

  But what about insomnia? It’s hard not to nap for hours during the day when your brain won’t shut off at night. Taking a hot bath 90 minutes before going to sleep will help your body cool down and relax so you can slip into sleep faster. However, cold feet can prevent you from going to sleep. By wearing socks to bed, you improve your circulation which also assists your body in falling asleep faster. You can also develop a bedtime routine, avoid alcohol and nicotine, exercise, and avoid eating before bed to fight off insomnia. However, if you do exercise, it’s best to do it in the morning. Exercising too late in the evening will keep your body up and alert. 

“You’re only one work out away from a good mood.”
-Anonymous

  Not only does exercise fight insomnia, but it also relieves stress. You don’t have to go out and run a 6 minute mile, you just have to start somewhere. Once you get started, it gets a little easier every time. Do a few crunches or take a ten minute walk outside. Exercise releases endorphins and serotonin which naturally pick up your mood. It’s just common sense that exercise is good for you. Your body needs it and it’ll make you feel better about you. I promise. 

  Eating the right things can also help reduce stress. Foods high in vitamins B & C as well as folic acids like tuna, almonds asparagus, milk, cottage cheese, oranges, and blueberries help stabilize your mood. Dark chocolate has also been known to help relieve stress. Just don’t go crazy, about .7 ounces (40grams) or two squares of a large bar in the morning and in the afternoon is all you really need. It figures that chocolate would help relieve stress. 

If none of the above appealed to you, here are some other things you can use to try to reduce stress:
• Talk to someone who listens
• Music
• Listen to nature sounds 
• Scented candles
• Spritz favorite cologne/perfume
• Wrap up in warm blanket
• Wear soft clothes
• Hold a comforting object (stuffed animal, favorite possession, etc.)
• Chew gum
• Coffee/Tea
• Drink Water
• Take a break from technology 

  Everyone feels overwhelmed at some point in their lives and sometimes we do it to ourselves. It’s important to remember to pace yourself. Don't try to take on everything at once. Not only that, but be your own best friend. Reality is perception, so make your reality a wonderful place. Choose to be happy and choose to love yourself. It’s easier said than done, I know, but trying and staying optimistic absolutely pays off. Find something to smile about every day, even when all you want to do is cry. And you know what? If you need to cry, then cry. Let the tears flow until you’ve exhausted yourself. Then dry your eyes, pick yourself up, look in the mirror and tell yourself you ARE strong enough.

“That voice in your head, telling you that you can’t do this? It’s a fucking LIAR.”
-Anonymous 

I believe in you. It’s about time you did too.

I Pushed You Down Deep in My Soul for Too Long

The sweetest thing a boy ever said to me: 

Him: “What are you thinking about?”

Me: “What?”

Him: “You bite your lip when you’re thinking about something.”

  This, to me, was more powerful than him saying “I love you” or giving some huge monologue about what he loved about me. This in itself showed me he loved me because it shows that he cared enough to notice. Even though we are no longer in that state of being madly in love, we don’t even talk anymore; this memory still makes me smile. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. To me, you can say “I love you” all you want or buy and say pretty things, but these don’t begin to measure up to simply taking the time to notice tiny details. It shows that you pay attention and you genuinely care to remember the other person’s habits. “I love you” is so overused anyway, that I really think we need a new way to say it. People abuse it; say it without meaning it or really knowing what they’re talking about. I’ve been guilty of this multiple times. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it, you can say it a thousand times, that doesn’t make it true. When you start noticing the small things and making a point to remember them….to me, that’s better than “I love you”. I’ll take that over “I love you” any day. 

Some Thoughts on Growing Up

  Nostalgia is an interesting thing…it’s so bittersweet. It’s fun to look back, but then you have an intense longing to be in that moment again. I always get so emotional. Today I was driving home and two songs came on that made me choke up “100 Years” and “London Rain”. One song takes me back to high school, and the other goes back even farther to when I was a little girl. 100 Years just made me think of my growing up to this point. I’ll always be growing, but so far, this is the farthest I’ve come. My school chorus sang 100 Years for our “Senior night of Inspiration” and remembering rehearsing for that, perfecting it, and performing it….the emotions finally came crashing down on me and I had to fight off some serious tears (I always end up crying in the car for some reason). It just brought on these thoughts “I will never sing with that group again.” “I’m never going back.” “That was my last time.” and it’s almost too much to deal with. Growing up seems to have just snuck up on me. I feel like I was the same freshman and sophomore year and then I just did a lot of growing up my junior year. I really think that’s when I grew up the most, because I had to deal with a lot of intense emotions and turmoil. I’m certain I’ll look back later and think it really wasn’t a big deal, but at the time, those were the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. 

Seriously. Everyone needs to read this book.

  John Green also contributed a lot to my growing up. His books made me really reflect on myself and consider the type of person I wanted to be. He gave me a whole new perspective on life and the world. Not to mention, his fictional characters made me cry more than I’ve ever cried over real people. 
Besides this, I don’t think I changed too much in my senior year; I just tried to be a better person and tried harder to be kind to everyone. It dawned on me that I can take what should be jokes too seriously and I need to learn to just laugh and joke back rather than get offended. Learning to laugh at yourself is probably one of the biggest signs of maturity, in my opinion. 
  After I got over my emotional reminiscing of high school, I sent myself into another spiral of emotion when “London Rain” came on. I don’t think I was even aware of this song until a couple years ago, but for some reason it takes me back to being a toddler, little girl, and pre-teen. I guess it’s the soothing voice and the feel the music gives me that remind me of the house I was a toddler in. It just reminds me of what I used to call “home”. I love looking back on the houses I used to live in, and someday I just want to take the time to go back and visit all of them. Throughout my life I’ve lived in seven houses, some more significant than others. There’s the house I was born in, the house on Eagle Ridge, my Lost Forest house, the house we used while in the process of moving, the New Jersey house, my personal favorite is the one on Granby Way, and this current house. I imagine there will be many more, but these are the houses I’ll have all my childhood memories in, besides the one I was born in. We moved before I had memory capacity. 
  The first house I really remember is Eagle Ridge. This is probably my second favorite house. It’s the house I became a big sister in and was the house I was a toddler in. This house always brings forth a cozy feeling when I look back on it. That’s probably because the most vivid memories I have are memories of being in my parents’ bath tub, being snuggled up with them, and laying in my bed at night. I think there’s something cozy about being little in general. Almost everything you do is precious and you don’t have a real grasp on what the world is yet. That innocence in itself is a haven, but we don’t realize it until later.

My house was the brick house on the right <3

  My favorite house is the one on Granby Way, and this is probably because I have the most childhood memories there, good and bad. I really did spend all but 2 years there as a little kid. This is the house in which I made my first best friends, where I felt my first heartbreak, had my first taste of independence, and had my first babysitting job. I always thought the cul-de-sac where I lived could be used in a movie or TV show. The setting was just perfect. There were kids of all ages, and each age group had somewhat of a little gang and each seemed to have a leader in my mind, usually the oldest. I remember spending hours playing four-square in the court paint up in the middle of the cul-de-sac by our neighbors. Depending on their mood, the older kids would either pummel the younger kids or go easy on them. Every younger kid went through a stage where they cried whenever they got out, but they always grew out of it. There was always a pretty lengthy line for those who wanted to play four-square. In the TV show/movie I imagined for this cul-de-sac, I pictured a montage of all the kids playing four-square, and as time goes by, the line gets smaller and smaller until the court is empty. Then, ideally, the “leaders” of the age groups would come back all grown up with children of their own and teach them how to play. I actually do want to go back and buy the house I was living in on that street when I get older. This probably won’t happen, but it’s an idea I’d like to hold onto. I occasionally go back and just sit outside the house and look back on the time I spent living there. The last time I went back, for some reason, I got more emotional than usual and ended up with tears streaming down my face. It may seem silly to some, but there’s a lot of sentiment attached to this house. Just as there is for the one I’m currently in.
  The house I currently call home isn’t particularly a favorite, but it is significant. This is the house I was a teenager in, learned to drive in, had my first “real” relationship in, and officially marked the divorce of my parents. This is the house where I did most of my growing up. It’s not as sentimental as the one on Granby Way, but it does have some sentimental memories in it. I can’t say I’ll be as devastated to leave it as I was when I left Granby Way, but maybe that’s because I leave it every week to go to my father’s house. It’s funny how people can have such an emotional connection to certain things and for others, nothing seems sentimental. It’ll be interesting to see what new places, people, and things, become close to my heart as I move forward in life. Will I become attached to the first home I have when I move out? The home I get married in? The one I have my first child in? Or will they all be the same place? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

The Boy I Used To Love

  I had a realization in the past couple of days. Those who have known me for a while are aware that up until May of last year, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. Even though it ended a year ago, it still has its effects on me. I think about it more than I should. I think about him more than I should. I don't miss him or any of the relationship. It just crosses my mind a lot. The good and the bad. Unfortunately, the bad was really bad. Some called it emotionally/mentally abusive. I'm not sure if I completely agree with this, but I don't have any other way to describe it. It was damaging and it still baffles me sometimes why I let it continue for so long. 

  However, I've forgiven him. He may harbor contempt for me until the day he dies, but there's nothing I can do about that. I can only forgive him and wish him well, which I have done and continue to do. I listened to a song a couple of days ago that really opened my eyes to the situation, and to be honest, it makes me a little sad. I've realized that now we're out of high school and will most likely never see each other again, he's only a memory. The only place he can exist in my world anymore is in my memories. This means I get to choose. I can either dwell on all of the bad things that happened between us, the nasty things he said to me, and about me or I can smile and remember when we loved each other and laughed together. Granted, the latter makes me tear up because I miss being friendly towards one another, but it's better than harboring fear and anger from the darker parts of the relationship. He's nothing more than a memory now, and I choose to remember him fondly. 

Outcast

I don't really have anything to say...but I feel like writing anyway. I went to the river with some new people today. I'd never hung out with them before, but I found that I really enjoyed their company. It was nice to be around people that didn't mind my strange sense of humor or my "over the top" nature. It's nice to feel like you fit in. 
I remember feeling like an outcast all the time, growing up. I was always too loud, too weird, or too hyper. Everything I did seemed to bother the other kids. It wasn't until 6th grade that I made real friends. Even then I still kind of felt like an outcast. I've always been on the short side, so when the taller girls had a conversation, I couldn't really hear what was going on. It sucked.
Then there was the district change and I had to figure out middle school all over again and make new friends. This didn't take too long, but we were labeled as the "weird kids". I remember one of my friends who was new in 8th grade telling me what another girl said to her.
"You know you can join us any time you want, right? We know how Sierra can be."

Maybe it's just me, but I really only remember the bad stuff that happened in middle school. I'm sure it had its moments when it was great, but I really don't remember that. 
Then came high school, where I just tried to be friendly with everyone. For the most part, it worked. There were still the select few who didn't like me because I still got on their nerves or held onto their previous image of me in their heads, but it wasn't a big deal.
However, I remember not really having a solid best friend, and maybe that's a good thing, but it still kind of stung. I had my friends that I cherished and considered a best friend, but for some reason, no one ever really returned the sentiments. I always ended up as "plan B". Although, it's possible I'm only remembering negative experiences because they're what stick with us for a long long time. Or maybe that's just me. 
Sometimes that "plan B" feeling still surfaces, but I think that's just part of life. We have to realize that we're not always going to be everyone's favorite person. No matter how much we want to. I can't make people who don't like me, like me anymore than I can force someone to make me their best friend. Everyone wants to be liked, but not everyone is going to be liked by everyone. Some of us (me) need to come to terms with this. It's hard to accept that not everyone likes you when you just want to be everybody's friend, but that's how life goes sometimes. 
I'm not posting this to get pity or anything. I just wanted to write something and this is what came out. Maybe some of you relate, maybe some of you don't. Either way, it's 12 am, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.
Good night :]

Keep Calm and Carry On: A Letter to Myself

Sierra.
Stop panicking. Just stop. It's not the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new chapter. Things are changing, responsibilities are being acquired, independence is being declared, freedom is being granted. It's going to be different, but it's going to be wonderful. It's going to be a challenge, but it's going to be so worth it. You're not the first person to do this, and you won't be the last. Settle down. Breathe. It's going to be ok. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK. Now stop worrying, questioning, and stressing. Start getting excited. Things will work out. However. You need to apply yourself. Get done what needs to be done. Don't put it off. Stop thinking yourself into a labyrinth of worry and confusion. Take it a day at a time. Plan for success. Make a habit out of excellence. Easier said than done, yes, but not impossible. You're not even going that far, remember? You're not stranded on an island or stuck on the other side of the world. Your family isn't going to let you drown. Take a deep breath. Take another deep breath. Relax. There's no time for panicking. You're too busy being excited, remember? Stop feeling anxious. Everything is going to be fine.
"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." Remember? 


Fearless.

A Poem For Jocelyn

Paws kneading my skin

Curled up, purring, eyes shut tight

Warm sun pouring in

Whiskers tickle, all is right

Lazy cuddles in sunlight

The Most Sarcastic Essay I've Ever Written

I turned this in. Still not entirely sure why....but I got a 100 on it. I don't understand life.

A Analysis of Samuel Pepys Based on His Diary That No One Was Supposed to Read in the First Place

            After reading just a month’s worth of Samuel Pepys’ diary anyone and everyone with functioning cognitive skills will agree that Pepys generally sucked as a person. Sure, he was friendly enough to someone if they were not his wife or asking for his help, but he spent far too much time worrying about business and drinking. Not only that, but after reading a few entries, Pepys seems hypocritical as well. These are all characteristics noted in simply one short month of his diary, February 1665.

            For someone who claims to love his wife, Pepys sure does complain about her a lot. The first day of February he is making note of how he is already upset with her. “Going home I put in to an ordinary by Temple Barr and there with my boy Tom…being still angry with my wife for yesterday's foolery.” Pepys never actually goes into detail with what happened with his wife, just that he is angry with her for something. There is mention of him bickering with her again in his last entry of the month, “We parted after many high words very angry…” Not only this, but it is mentioned that he has cheated on her many times before, which is probably why she was always fighting with him. However, there is no mentioning of him having any extramarital relations during this month, because he swore off women. As noted on Valentine’s Day when talking about his valentine who is not his wife, “my oath preserved me from [losing] any time with her”. Wow. He swore off women for a whole month out of his entire life. What a trooper.

I'm Samuel. I'm a pompous doucheface.

            This goes on to point out his hypocrisy. Pepys claims to be a Christian, or at least he praises God every time his business is doing well enough for the reader to assume he is. For example, “…and I to my office to my month's accounts, and find myself worth L1270, for which the Lord God be praised!” Is he kidding? This would probably be more believable if he would be more willing to help his fellow man, stick to the “day of rest” idea on the Sabbath, and, oh yeah, not commit adultery or beat his wife. He truly is a classy fellow, this Samuel Pepys. A fantastic show of his classiness is when a friend asks Pepys to look after his daughter. Pepys ignores this request but still has his wife beat the little girl and “…then [they] shut her down into the cellar, and there she lay all night.” Real swell folks. Lord God be praised that the Pepys never reproduced.

            Samuel Pepys would probably be an absent father figure anyway, considering he spends all his time either at the office or out with his boys, particularly the one named after a lunch item. There could be a drinking game based on how many times Pepys writes “to the office” for an absurd amount of time. It is true, Pepys had a roaring social life, but this is probably because he left all of his less than flattering qualities in his diary at home.

            To conclude, it can be maintained that Samuel Pepys was something of a “Real Housewife” of his time. The only difference being that he was, in fact, a man. He had plenty of drama around him, many affairs, and decent finances (Praise be to God). With these kinds of assets, Pepys truly could have had a successful reality show in this century and be famous for absolutely nothing. Some would find these observations unfair, given that he had not known people would read the things included in his diary, therefore, not giving the whole story. However, it can be argued that had he known, he would not have been as truthful. Therefore, painting himself up to be an even more delightful person than he has already made himself out to be. It can be assumed, though, that Lord Samuel Pepys might be a quite a tad miffed if he knew how many people had read his diary thus far.

Man is Mind

"Mind is the master power that molds and makes, and Man is Mind, and ever more he takes the Tool of Thought, and shaping what he wills, brings forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills- He thinks in secret and it comes to pass; Environment is but his looking-glass."
- James Allen

  I heard this quote yesterday and absolutely fell in love with it. Usually I very strongly dislike analyzing and thinking critically, but I couldn't help but consider what this meant. To me, Allen is saying that Man posses the most powerful tool in existence, the ability to process, develop, and execute thoughts. After all, everything that ever was, is, and will be started with a single thought. Our ability to think the way humans do is what makes us the dominant species of this world.



Through the Looking Glass

   The ability to think like this can be the source of our happiness as well as our troubles. We choose our thoughts and our mindset. If we dwell on how stressed we are or things we wish we had, we're only bringing the misery onto ourselves.

  Our lives are what we think them to be, which you can connect to the phrase, "Life is what you make it". However, life makes and molds us just as much as we do the same to it. It throws things at us, and how we react and what we let it do to us forms who we are. You and your life are whatever you perceive the two to be. If you don't like it, it's in your power to change anything about it until it's exactly what you want.

  Now I'm not entirely sure what to make of "He thinks in secret and it comes to pass". Obviously, our own thoughts are secret to the world unless we choose to them them, but what is it that comes to pass? I think this relates to the ever present theme of life: Change. We are constantly changing and going through phases. I think Allen is referring to our intellectual changes, such as opinions, theories, and beliefs. After waking up in the morning, experiencing and being exposed to the world, we can't really go to bed as the exact same person we were when we woke up. In just twenty-four hours we learn and process so much. New opinions form, old opinions change, we make decisions that effect the rest of our lives.

Change

  Based on these changing thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and opinions we choose how to present ourselves and what to surround ourselves with. What we keep close to us and put emphasis on reflects who we have decided to be for that period of time. This is our environment showing us as well as others who we are. It doesn't even have to be a physical place. This environment can be where your mind is or simply what look you decide to try. In this sense, I think environment is a very broad term.

  Go take a moment every now and then to look into your looking glass and see what looks back at you.

To the Crimson Tigers of Fairlfield Ludlowe High School

Dear Tigers,

Hi. I’m Sierra. Most of you probably have no idea who I am, some of you know me as some random chick from Georgia, but that’s not important. I’m going to start off with I’m not very good at speeches or motivation or anything like that, but I am good at speaking my mind. And this is what I think.

    You’ve all experienced a terrible loss, and I am deeply sorry for that. However, are you or are you not the Crimson Tigers? You’ve defeated many an opponent before, and the last time I checked, Tigers don’t back down when life throws something at them. They lunge and attack! What doesn’t kill you make you stronger, and State Championships are days away. It’s easier said than done, I know, but you’ve got to pick yourselves up from this tragedy and hold your heads high. You are strong. You are mighty. You are fierce. You are Tigers.

       A coach does not make a team. It helps, but you have outstanding captains who are captains for a reason. Unity, determination, and hard work make a team. Overcome your doubts, hurt, and confusion with the will to come out fighting, and end on top. You’ve come this far, don’t give into defeat now. “Men's best successes come after their disappointments.”

    There will be time for grieving later. Now is the time to make your coach and, more importantly, yourselves proud. You’re still the Crimson Tigers. You’re all talented, capable, and fearsome. Not to mention your socks are fabulous. This is not the time to let emotions throw you off your game. If anything, let them fuel your determination and focus even more. I have full faith in you, and you should all have faith in each other, coach or no coach. Y’all got this (Pardon my southern tongue).

“You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!”

Sammy

Ok, this is going to be a very brief post, but I felt like this was a story worth telling. Recently I've been dealing with a lot of harrassment, and I was starting to feel pretty down about it, but then I remembered this story my dad told me about his friend's little girl, Sammy.

Jaime, my dad's friend, was chaperoning a field trip for Sammy's school. If I remember correctly, Sammy is in fourth or fifth grade, and her courage is inspiring to me. The class bully was picking on another kid. This bully was not unlike any other bully. Bigger, bulkier and more intimidating than the other kids. After hearing him make fun of one of her peers, Sammy walked right up to that bully. She got two inches from his face and said "What did you say?" the bully's response? "N- nothing, Sammy." She smiled and said "That's what I thought."

Sammy. When I grow up I want to be just like you.

A Message to the Body

           Left ear. I’m talking to you right now. You have absolutely no reason to be having such a hissy fit right now. Both you and right ear got total spot light when I was little. I can understand then, you were both young and still trying to figure out your jobs. Now you’re just being an attention whore. You’re here to help me hear stuff, not make my head feel cloudy. Now cut it out, or I’ll put more holes in you.
            As for you, sore throat, I understand you have a tendency to come back once a year, but seriously!? Did you have to bring all your friends too? I don’t have time for this! I’ve got stuff to do. I do not have time to tend to your needs, as well as the swamp you have puddling in the back of my throat. It’s gross! This is seriously the most inconsiderate thing you could do. I tried giving you water and tea with honey. I even gargled salt water for you. SALT. WATER. Do you know how unpleasant that is!? But no. You still sit here making me uncomfortable. Thanks a heap, buddy. I’m glad our relationship is going so well.
            Now, sinuses, you really haven’t been that bad. You let up when I take medicine and such, but honestly? What made you think acting up when my left ear and throat decided to launch an assault on me? Or is my body just out to get me in general? Because I have a bone to pick with the uterus too, however I’ll leave that rant to Allie ANYWAY. Seriously, stop that. I like being able to smell and taste things, and you are robbing me of that pleasure.

            Eyes. What is YOUR deal? I’ve been sleeping a LOT lately and you’re STILL not satisfied! Are the lids just having a love affair and can’t stand to be apart even though they’re together 16 times per minute? Really? That’s REALLY not enough? Ok, guys. I see how it is. You’re both clingy, needy bitches that need to be together forever and always. If you didn’t have nerve endings, bad things would happen to you.
            And finally, skin. Just what, what, WHAT. On Earth are you even DOING!? I thought we were friends! We were good until the summer hit! What happened to the liking each other!? When did you decide to just be super sensitive to everything? I can’t even let my own HAIR touch you without you being irritated! Seriously, dude, what’s with all the attitude? I thought you liked the wild mane! You’re just not helping my situation at all.
            Overall, guys, every last one of you are being a great big buttinsk. Some more than others, but there’s seriously some major diva-ness happening here. Is it because I’m not eating as many vegetables as I used to? This is not a democracy. You’re all parts of MY body and you will function the way I want you to function. You all need to just sit down and calm yourselves. I do not have time for each and every one of you to have a huge melt down every time I don’t do something your way. I got us all this far, how about you let me continue without a fight every few weeks, ok? Ok, cool.

Sincerely and extremely not amused,
Sierra

15-year-old Boys and Poetry

Today's post was brought to you by my fifteen year old younger brother, Evan. Evan is one of the strangest, most hyperactive, and creative kids I know. He says or does something hilarious and doesn't even understand why it's funny. I absolutely adore my little brother, even when we're driving each other crazy. Now, personally, I don't have a problem with poetry. I don't always understand it, but it's interesting once it's explained. Evan does NOT feel the same way at ALL. For his lit class he had to write a two hundred word explanation of his position on poetry. I thought it was too entertaining not to share (he got a hundred for this and praise from the teacher).


"I hate poetry because I'm not artistic at all. I cannot, for the life of me, understand what a poet is talking about. The only time I can understand poetry is when the symbolism is so obvious that it feels like the writer is talking down to you. It feels like the writer is saying, "Oh, you see, the rabbit is symbolic for innocence, and because you've listened so well, you get a gold star!" Yeah, I'm not a three year old. You don't need to hammer this in. I'm sure I don't suck that much. Another reason it makes my blood boil is that a lot of the time the teacher makes us analyze it so much, we get to the point that we're smashing our heads on the poem. You don't need to tell me that the bird in the cage means the writer wants freedom. I think anyone with half a brain cell can figure it out. However, the teacher usually insists upon explaining it not once, not twice, but twelve freaking times. It is so incredibly boring. I mean, I know that this is for people with a developed sense of art, but by God, you don't need to go into depth about every last blade of grass you come across. While on the topic of "boring", teachers don't even attempt to make it an enjoyable experience. One of my teachers once said, "School is work, not fun". That may be true, but "A good teacher can make his students learn, a better teacher can make his students want to learn". If you actually try to put some effort into it, I'm sure it can be an enjoyable experience. However, if you just throw a piece of paper at us and say "Read this and write an essay about how the sun is hot" then everyone is going to be angry. Wow...I really went above the requirements needed to write this, didn't I?"

100 Little Happies

I know I've talked about how people forget to appreciate the small things in life in one of my previous blogs, but then I thought, "Just what ARE the little things?". Perhaps people don't take time to appreciate them, because they don't really know how to. These little things can be anything from a color, to a feeling, to a person (OK, bigger small thing, but you get the idea). To shine some light on these little things, I've compiled a list of one hundred smalls things that I appreciate in my life. They're not in any particular order, I just wrote them as they came to mind. Keep in mind, this is not a list of ALL my little things, just the first hundred.

1. A smile/conversation with a friendly stranger
2. Socks (knee high especially)
3. The clicking sound high heels make
4. The way writing with a mechanical pencil makes handwriting WAY better
5. Feisty elderly people
6. Friendly/Curious children
7. Brightly colored birds and butterflies
8. Cozy afternoons on a rainy day reading a good book
9. Funny teachers
10. The satisfaction that comes with successfully painting your own nails
11. Clicking with someone you just met
12. Listening and/or singing along to a song that fits your mood exactly
13. Talking to/being with a friend you haven't seen in a while
14. When scary authority figures are in a good mood
15. The relief that comes with taking off previously mentioned heels
16. Getting back a major grade you thought you failed and realizing you aced it
17. Reading a quote that really sticks out to you
18. Bright sunny days
19. Clothes fresh out of the dryer
20. The smell of vanilla
21. CHOCOLATE
22. Novels written by John Green
23. Freshly baked cookies
24. Understanding a new concept the first time it's introduced
25. Finding a ladybug in your room
26. Singing at the top of your lungs
27. Clicky pens
28. Alliterations
29. Stickers
30. Bright/metallic colors (specifically, purple)
31. Laughing so hard you feel abs forming and tears rolling down your face
32. Doodles that turn out better than expected
33. Coloring/Doodling in general
34. Turning the book open right to the page the teacher said to turn to
35. The possibilities of a blank sheet of paper (or word document)
36. Boxes
37. Saying something clever when the opportunity arises, rather than 5 minutes later
38. Accidentally taking a picture that actually turns out to be pretty fantastic
39. Noticing details you've never noticed before
40. Making some one's day
41. That moment when you realize your hiccups are actually gone
42. Reminiscing on happy memories
43. Writing on a whiteboard with a new marker
44. The soft tickle of mist
45. The indescribable feeling that comes with swimming under water
46. Pushing elevator buttons
47. Sliding on hardwood floors
48. Fluffy things
49. Suddenly, for absolutely no reason at all, taking off running
50. The feeling of acceleration when you step on the gas pedal
51. Recognizing a vocab word and actually knowing what it means
52. People with dimples
53. Secret rainbows
54. Miniature items
55. Making friends with the people who have the wrong number
56. Fun facts
57. Giant purses
58. Old VHS movies
59. Cracking knuckles
60. Typing (the act and the sound)
61. Being so wrapped up in something, the rest of the world seems to melt away
62. Stretching
63. The one dollar section at Target
64. When the song I think I want to listen to next actually plays (it's like my iPod can read minds!)
65. Cleaning out a closet or desk and finding something you thought you lost
66. That glamorous feeling after doing your make up just right
67. The word "Discombobulated"
68. Accidentally rhyming words
69. The way milk goes so well with cookies
70. Hearing a song so beautiful it gives you goosebumps
71. Poorly faking a foreign accent
72. People who actually have a foreign accent
73. Busting out of a writer's block with a stroke of brilliance
74. Hearing familiar stories through a different point of view
75. When teachers digress and talk about their lives
76. The cool side of the pillow
77. The happy exhausted feeling after a hard work out
78. Sweets
79. Long, flowing dresses
80. The 52 minutes of chorus with Dr. Jana Williams every day
81. Visits with Ms. Emily Juckett
82. Visits with Mrs. Amy Merlin
83. Spinny chairs
84. Bean bag chairs
85. Tights
86. Pandas
87. Happy babies
88. Finally remember that thing you could not for the life of you remember earlier
89. Hugs!
90. Finding things you gave up looking for a long time ago
91. Automatic doors
92. Cool cashiers/waiters
93. Coincidences with perfect timing
94. Scented candles
95. Bubble baths
96. When the mane is cooperative
97. PB&J (grape jelly is the best)
98. All things Gaga
99. Bubbles
100. Hitting the "Publish Post" button after writing a new blog